The Slope

Dec 11th, 2014-We've all been there. When life gives you unexpected trials and you feel like you're sliding down a slope. I once wrote in my blog about how Amelia's hearing loss, since genetic, can be progressive and get worse. Because of this uncertainty, I've always sat on "the slope". Once we stopped sliding after the initial shock/diagnosis, we climbed back up the slope. And over time,  I've learned to enjoy the view from that slope.. soaking in the Sun... soaking in the lessons. But this week, I heard a crack and "the slope" started sliding . A week ago, Amelia's teacher at carpool told me she had fallen head first during circle time.  I thanked her for telling me and asked Amelia if she was ok. I forgot about it.  A few days later the teacher told me again in carpool that Amelia had fallen over on her knees and she had a red mark on her throat from where she fell. This time when she told me worry sat in and I heard a crack in "the slope.". Amelia had fallen a lot at home that week with me. I just thought clumsy/odd, but I didn't worry or put it together until the teacher told me that second time.  I called the Pediatrician . I started questioning Amelia. She said her head had hurt and her eyes get dizzy sometimes.  I naturally turned into a doctor. Could it be sinus, her eyesight?...then I heard more cracks in "the slope."  Now that my attention was fully focused on the problem, you know what I "saw" next...the dark thoughts in your brain with questions like, "What if we missed the bigger picture with Amelia's hearing loss?  What if she has an overarching syndrome since balance and hearing loss are connected? The thoughts would turn darker and the possibilities put before us are a parents worst nightmare. We went to the pediatrician. I told him every little detail that seemed like nothing, maybe coincident, maybe everybody is just being cautious.  He called the neurologist and got us an appointment for the next day.  I started thinking what did I say, what did he hear that made him react so fast? The next day we went to the neurologist and they ordered an MRI and EEG.  The doctor felt like it was not related to hearing loss, but it might be seizures.  I left the office in shock.  I felt like I took my child to the doctor for them to say she is fine or maybe she's just clumsy.  I walked out with a child who might be having seizures?  My head felt like everything is going to be fine. They are just being cautious.  My gut was feeling uneasy.  Being side swiped is an unforgettable experience and I started getting nervous.  We went into the weekend trying to just be carefree. 

Dec 17th, 2014-
I woke up this morning and start writing. I thought to myself, "I'll write it down so when I wake up from this a nightmare I will remember it."  Yesterday I was in the valley of  "the slope"  where the fog was so deep that I thought I might not get out.  Amelia had her MRI yesterday. I had not really thought about what the MRI could show. Only hours before I took her did my mind start thinking about the darkest thoughts...brain tumors/cancer.  We arrived at the new imagining center and  it was impressive. They had a little machine to show Amelia what was going to happen to her.  You could put the animals in the machine and it showed the x-ray. They did not sedate her because I said she could be still.  Of course,  I did not know the movie she chose to watch while in the tunnel would be "Frozen".  So she was not still when "Let it go" came on. You could hear her belting the song out even with earmuffs on. I laughed and thought it was a cute moment. Peter and I sat across from each other with headphones on and looked ridiculous. We wore them because the machine was so loud. We sat at the end and put our hands on Amelia's legs. The mood was mixed. Halfway through I noticed the lab tech got on the phone.  Only my head phones connected to the lab techs. He spoke to me and said he called the doctor and they needed two more scans. I felt like I was going to pass out.  Peter looked at me. He didn't know what I just heard. I didn't know what I just heard meant?  Did they just see a tumor on my child's brain or was this just normal procedure?  They finished up and told us we would have results in a day. The fog started setting in...the tunnel...I have seen that tunnel before...it's shock...it's the moment when you receive news that changes you forever. Anger started filling me.  I spent the past 5 years getting Amelia help for her speech and hearing and now she might have brain tumors!! I sat on the bathroom floor pissed. I demanded my grandma listen to me from heaven. I told her she would fix this. She would go tell God right now that this is not going to happen.  It has to be nothing. I can't do this. I can't make it through this.  These were the thoughts in my head last night.  This morning I got a call that Amelia's MRI head scans were clean and good!!  The fog started lifting throughout the day. Tomorrow we go for EEG.  I am still concerned, but seizures are better than brain tumors at this point so I am ready for the next procedure to figure out if anything is wrong with Amelia or not.  We will not get results as fast with the EEG so I will keep everyone posted.  Thanks for letting me talk.  I am not good at getting my thoughts out in person, but I can write about them and it makes me feel better. I appreciate all the strength around me right now when I felt like I had none. I have seen many of you sit with me on "the slope" and I have seen many of you in "the valley". thanks friends--Scarlett