Unconditionally

This past weekend I went to my first job training for Hands & Voices Guide by your Side.  First, let me explain what the job is.  Hands & Voices is a national organization which is parent-driven.  It supports families of Deaf/Hard of Hearing children without bias of mode (sign language and/or listening spoken language.) A guide-by-your-side is a parent guide who has a deaf/HOH child and reaches out to give support to new families walking the journey.

Some of my family & friends checked in on me throughout the weekend to ask,  "How was the new job? "  They were not prepared for my response nor was I.  The training was beneficial, eye-opening, and a good review, but in truth it became for me a counseling session. I never reached out for counseling when Amelia was diagnosed.  I don't know if it would have been helpful or not at the time, but four years later I found myself in the midst of a emotional battle in a job training.  I am already in a vulnerable state, because of the life transitions that are about to happen as Amelia graduates from Atlanta Speech School this week.  Recently, Amelia's hearing has declined in one ear.  Although we are not losing our support system, we will not be immersed and surrounded constantly by teachers of the deaf and classmates that wear hearing devices. So having said all that,  I knew that I was already fragile.  One question they asked at the job training was, "What is your biggest fear with taking this job?"  My biggest fear was one word- vulnerability.  I had mentioned this concern about taking the job to my family, because I knew that although it would be rewarding it would be emotional to meet families when they were at their weakest.  And I was not thrilled about having to relive those dark first days of Amelia's diagnosis. I once wrote in one of my blog posts, "I don't want to be the chosen one.  The God gives you only what you can handle parent!"  And as honest as I can be, I don't want this job.  I don't want it but I am chosen for it.  It is calling me.  At the end of day one training, the parent guides sat in an intimate circle.  We were asked to share..to relive...our personal story.  The idea was share your story so that you can heal and move past to a better place so that you can help these families.  I think everyone of us started a sentence with , "I not going to cry."  One of the leaders said, "Don't assume that tears are always because of sadness."  That is so true.  Tears contain relief, anger, & joy as well. 

My friend Kara gave me a journal to write down experiences I have with my new job.  Here are 3 quotes I wrote from the training this weekend that were said by the other parent guides.
1.  Some parents bury their kids in the ground. We grieve too because we bury what we thought our kids would be.
2.  If I could wake up tomorrow and take away hearing loss for my child I would.  But I would not take it away for me because it has been a journey.
3.  I realized this was my baby and it was time for me to take the professionals off the pedestal and put them beside me. 

So my job training this weekend was about me letting go and being vulnerable.  I don't like to cry, but it was time I did.  It was time that I let myself be vulunerable.  It was time for me to "let go and just be free."  I am dedicating this Katy Perry song below to MYSELF, because I have to love myself unconditionally.  And I dedicate the verse, "OPEN UP YOUR HEART AND JUST LET IT BEGIN" to all the families I will encounter.  (p.s. pics of Queen Elsa from Frozen Movie came to see Amelia's class at speech school. It fits with this blog...let it go)
"Unconditionally"-by Katy Perry
Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy
I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm I would
I do it all because I love you, I love you

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

So open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart and just let it begin
Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be
To be truly free
Will you do the same for me?

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
And there is no fear now
Let go and just be free
'Cause I will love you unconditionally (oh yeah)
I will love you (unconditionally)
I will love you
I will love you unconditionally