I titled this post, "One Day",because I keep saying to myself, "How do you just wake up one day and everything is different..your sick?" I pondered more about this question. This is not rare, in fact it happens everyday. It happens to us all.. one day. The day you wake up and your life forever changes. You get that call, the one that instantly breaks you and makes you fall to the floor. Loss of someone who occupies your heart: a parent, a sibling, a spouse or a friend. The loss of a dream or the start of a new reality with the news of you, a child, or a loved one being diagnosed with a condition or a disease. We all know that with changes blessings often come, but you have to get through those raw, hazy days in the aftermath. I often wonder if we are told in advance of things to come? Is it a dream, a fleeting thought, a moment that feels transcendent? I try to be conscious of these signs. In my last post I told everyone that I was about to go to neurologist. I woke up "one day" (Jan. 1st) and it started as heart attack symptoms, but when the hospital could find nothing wrong they hinted at a neurological problem. So here is where my story left off:
I finally was getting to see a neurologist after 5 weeks of feeling weird numbness on the left side of my body. I was ready to hear what the neurologist could make of it.. or I thought I was ready. I rambled off any and everthing I could think of symptom wise or possible causes. I ended with a statement just give it to me straight. He did a neuro exam and pulled a chair up in front of me. The doctor said, "Do you have someone here with you?" I sheepishly, said, "no." In fact, many people had offered to go with me to the doctor that day. Peter had called me an hour before the appointment and told me he would drive down. For 5 seconds, I wished someone was by my side, but that feeling quickly left. I needed to be strong, and I didn't need someone beside me falling apart. He told me that he believed it was something related to my spinal cord like a demyelinating disease. I started bargaining with "but can it just be something simple".. like a pinched nerve? He said no and asked if I was ok. He sent me to the desk to check out, but I took a detour to the bathroom. I went into the bathroom, held my hand over my mouth, so no one would hear, and sobbed. After all, winners cry on the inside, right? Next came another fascinating part, the part where you have to tell other people the bad news. I think another reason why I chose to go alone that day is because I didn't think I would get good news. I have always had a few moments to myself when receiving good news like the 3 positive pregnancy tests. I took them all alone(except Amelia- the whole doctor's office found out along side me, but I had an hour to myself before Peter knew.) I feel like it's my body and sometimes I need a minute with myself. When Amelia was diagnosed it was heartbreaking telling the grandparents and family. It's hard when you have bad news to deliver. I originally thought we hate telling people bad news, because we worry about them. The other day though, I realized that sometimes you fear telling them the bad news, because if they break down who will hold you up? So I sat in a parking lot and called Peter to tell him what the doctor said. He came home from work. The initial news is always shocking and worrysome, but after a few days we felt more stable. Peter and I have always been good at taking the initial blow and then helping each other find perspective to precede on. Things looked concerning, but there was still a chance of good outcomes. You start playing the game of best case and worst case scenario in your head. A few nights later we watched the movie, Nanny Mcphee. Sorry to ruin if you have not seen it, but the mom dies and the dad keeps trying to find nannies to help him with the children. Nanny Mcphee says at the beginning of the movie and at the end, "When you need me, you won't want me. And when you want me, you will no longer need me." I interpreted Nanny Mcphee as the mom in angel form looking over her children. Anyways, the movie tapped into my emotions. I cried in Peter's arms and actually said the words, "I don't want to die!" I know I can be dramatic, but one day I will be remembered for it. haha.
Two weeks later, I had the MRI on my brain and spine. That was a mind game..the irony. I tried to calm myself, but I hated the enclosed space. I was in the machine for an hour and a half. The first time they put the cage over my head to enter the machine, I grabbed for the technician. I asked him to just hold my hand for a second. When it comes down to the biggest obstacles in life sometimes it's the simple things...a stranger holding my hand. He was very compassionate and held my hand every time I had to enter and exit the machine. The results took a week, because we had some snow and the doctor's office was closed. That's what I told myself until the words, "abnormal brain MRI" came out of my neurologist's mouth. The radiologist and the neurologist had been pondering/confused over my MRI. The second sentence out of my neurologist mouth-"The white matter in your entire brain is abnormal." I had convinced myself to prepare for an abnormal spine scan showing multiple sclerosis or something along those lines. When he said brain and then he said the whole brain..I was shocked. He also commented that this was a rare looking mri for him and he wants to explore more to solve the mystery. He kept talking, explaining, probing with questions, but I could barely write or respond. He preceded with scheduling an evoked potential test in mid march and blood work for Thyroid issues. At the end of the conversation I asked for a summary: Good news- no brain tumors or stroke. Bad news-no answer yet. I did say in the past I wanted to be memorable, but maybe not so memorable that my brain scan gets projected at a neurology conference under the slideshow titled " interesting cases". So as of right now we stand in the land of unknown. I know that I am suppose to remain optimistic, but it's an emotional roller coaster. One minute I tell myself that it's all going to work out and the next I have thoughts of death creeping in my mind. Sometimes I want to just privately ignore the current situation and the next minute I want to reach out for support/help because I am scared. So this blog post is my therapy session. I let you guys eavesdrop, because at the end of the day I want to be real. I want to be human with all that entitles: failures, insecurities, successes, and joys. Thanks for all your support. I need it even if I don't ask for it. Hopefully, this problem will be fixable, treatable, manageable and "One day" soon I will get an answer. -Scarlett (For some joy, I attached our feb snow pictures.)
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